My diary
by Kyrillia
Summary: Feel sorry for Lurtz, mighty Uruk-hai warrior and stressed husband ! Read his wifes secret diary !


Disclaimer:  I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters in the

                    story, except my own

Author`s note:   Please notice, that english isn`t my mother language, so please

                          be indulgent  J 

My Diary

Day one :

Wedding day.

Old guy named Saruman held endless, boring speech.

Got bored, so started looking around.

Discovered Ugluk leering at my decollete.

Kicked my future husband discretly in the shin.

After endless, boring speech, banquet startet.

Got nice wedding cake from old guy named Saruman.

Got several problems at cutting it, cause wedding cake had

form of Orthanc Tower.

Danced with my husband, luck I decided to wear shoes with steelcaps.

Danced with old guy named Saruman.

Refused to dance with Ugluk, who still leered at my decollete.

Tried to dance with Wormtongue, who slobbered over weddingdress.

Gave up dancing.

Got plenty of wedding presents:

17 human-skull-and-bone services

5 pots of warpaint in new, trendy colours

11 kitchenknife sets

6 hobbit-skull-and-bone services

9 hunting trophys

5 new scimitars

2 elven-skull-and-bone services (very rare !!)

pink flower bouquet (from old guy named Saruman)

Day two:

Woke up next to beloved husband.

Got into bathroom.

Tried to cover masses of lovebites from beloved husband with coverstick.

Didn`t work out, therefore used his warpaint.

Prepared breakfast in kitchen.

Note to myself:

Buy fire extinguisher for kitchen !

Returned to bathroom.

Found beloved husband, who tried to cover lovescratches with coverstick.

Didn`t work out, therefore used warpaint.

Note to myself:

Buy more warpaint !

Day three:

Was alone at home.

Very boring.

Decided to redecorate bathroom.

Used pink flower bouquet (wedding present from old guy named Saruman),

lots of bows, tiny bells and flower fairys.

Beloved husband got home.

Brought some of his buddys to have a beer.

Evening very boring.

Discovered Ugluk leering at my decollete.

Then one of the guys found new decorated bathroom.

Evening got very funny.

Note to myself:

Wear sexy underwear tonight to reconcile beloved husband.

Day four:

Barbeque in backyard today.

Good opportunity to use new skull-and-bone services.

Spend  whole afternoon in kitchen, preparing food.

Tried new recipe for chili-salsa.

Accidently dropped whole can of dried chilies in salsa.

Hope no one will notice.

Old guy named Saruman arrived first.

Brought bottle of prosecco.

Ugluk complimented me for nice short dress.

Offered him some chili-salsa.

Husband grilled some strange looking meat.

House and backyard smell funny.

Found old guy named Saruman and Wormtongue under a tree, holding hands.

Ugluk made an immoral offer.

Forced him to eat more chili-salsa.

Some Uruks started great belch contest.

Kicked them all out.

Demanded foot massage of beloved husband.

Finally went to bedroom, just to find Old guy named Saruman and Wormtongue

in our bed, doing funny things.

Eeeeww !

Note to myself:

Lock bedroom door and hide warpaint, handcuffs and high heels while guests are in house !

Day five:

Great parade at Isengard today.

Tried to comb my beloved husband`s hair.

Broke five combs and my favourite brush at the attempt.

Tried to remove pieces .

Finally gave up.

Instead made hot looking braid on top of head.

Then tried to clean armor.

Shouldn`t have used Quick`n`Bright for it.

Armor`s not black anymore, but sparkling silver.

Beloved husband was not amused.

Finally wanted to put warpaint on.

Discovered, that we used whole warpaint to cover lovebites and scratches.

Was forced to use lipstick instead.

Beloved husband now very grumpy.

Prepared snack for lunch and put it in lovely `my little pony` lunchbox.

Beloved husband went to parade with tears of shame in eyes.

It`s not easy to be a general !

Note to myself:

Buy lots of warpaint.

Wear VERY sexy underwear tonight !

Day six:

Decided to take a day off.

Went to Beauty farm in basement of Orthanc.

First had a nice mudbath, shall be good for skin.

Couldn´t find any difference after mudbath.

Then had a full body hotwax treatment.

That hurts !!

Finally got manicure.

Met Old guy named Saruman, who also got manicure.

Asked me for recipe of chili-salsa.

Then went to shopping mall on first floor.

Decided to buy  something nice.

Bought sexy fur tanga for beloved husband.

Spend a lot of money on pink flower bouquets.

Spend a lot more money on useless things.

Discovered, that beloved husbands account is overdrawn.

Note to myself:

Wear NOTHING but warpaint tonight !

Day seven:

Very boring.

Decided to visit beloved husband at work.

Thought, we could have romantic lunch in wilderness.

Therefore, brought picnic basket and nice pink blanket.

Wore minidress and high heeled sandalettes.

Other Uruks and dumb Snaga started laughing.

Discovered Ugluk leering at my decollete.

Beloved husband was not amused.

Ordered me to go home.

Slapped beloved husband in face.

Then had dramatic exit.

Was very frustrated.

Went to cafe on top of Orthanc.

Broke record in banana split eating.

Orc waiter very impressed .

Note to myself:

Let beloved husband sleep on couch tonight !

Day eight:

Beloved husband very repentant today.

Promised to buy me new dress.

Asked if he could return to sleep in bedroom.

Let him beg on knees few more minutes.

Then let him promise to let me redecorate living room.

Demanded another foot massage.

After that, allowed him to enter bedroom.

Beloved husband very relieved.

Then had my terribly revenge.

Told him, that I invited mother over the weekend.

Watched his horror strucken face.

Laughed a few minutes.

Finally told him, that I was just joking.

Beloved husband`s battle cry could be heard all over Isengard.

Note to myself:

Next time, when having terribly revenge, don`t forget to have 

something to barricade bedroom door from inside ! 

Day nine:

Today beloved husband went chasing halflings with troop of soldiers.

Packed his bag with:

Fresh towles,

Set of clean underwear, 

Pink glitter toothbrush,

Atlas of Middle Earth,

Bottle of home made chili-salsa,

Book `How to cook Hobbits`,

Notepaper with rose scent,

Cute Troll plushie,

Paperbag with lemon sweets,

Extra pot of warpaint,

Toilet paper,

Spare armor,

Woolen socks,

Sewing-kit,

First aid set,

Wedding picture with glow-in-the-dark frame,

Alarm clock,

Let him promise to write daily.

Let him promise to bring lots of jewlery for me.

Made one last lovebite on beloved husbands neck.

Finally waved hysterically goodbye with large pink handkerchief.

Sobbed a bit.

Old guy named Saruman promised victory of glorious Uruk-hai.

Felt strange desire to strangle him.

Wormtongue asked, if he could now borrow handcuffs, warpaint and high heels.

Kicked him out.

Went home to redecorate living room.


End file.
